Fragile. Defined.

Fragile….

1. easily broken or damaged.

2. Flimsy or insubstantial; easily destroyed.

3. (of a person) not strong or sturdy; delicate and vulnerable.

When I looked up the definition of fragile, I was like naw, God, this does not define me. I  AM STRONG !!!! But I now heard God say, “You are fragile.” 

You see, I had just come from my oncology appointment, which always makes me exhausted; from the blood tests to the injections I get..it’s all a reminder that a foreign body invaded my personal space and tried to take me out. This particular visit was even more exhausting because I was having a tachycardia episode, which meant my heart was racing, which led to sob and further exhaustion. Oh, did I not mention I was also recently diagnosed with SupraVentricular Tachycardia last year after being admitted to the hospital (yet again)? The nurses know me by name, and I have memorized the menu. I’m a hospital VIP….LOL

So you see, this last year alone has been one for the books.  (Which I am currently working on writing). 

Back to being fragile. Ugh, just saying those words makes me feel less than I am. I have such high expectations of my Faith in Christ that I genuinely believe that I am healed, even if my body is not manifesting that belief in real time for me to see. So my question for God is how do I accept this season of being Fragile when I have been telling myself all my life that I am strong, I got this, and I Am GOOD.

Well, God wants me NOT to HAVE IT! WOW!!! Okay, how does that work? You see, I have always prided myself in being able to endure and overcome with resilience and strength like none other. But God is asking me to fully allow him to Carry the weight of this season whale I further rest in recovery. Funny, when I think about it, because I just had major back surgery a few months ago that I am resting and recovering from. You see, God asked me to go deeper in my faith and trust in him. I was so caught up in my healing being fully manifested for all to see, even myself, but God taught me to trust him at his word, even when the doctor’s report and my physical body were saying otherwise. 

Also, I am learning how to be kinder to myself and my body. I have always been so used to pushing myself past my limits, past the pain, past whatever I felt may have gotten in the way of being a better me and succeeding in my goals.

This season of Fragility (however long it lasts) teaches me how to continue to live and enjoy life in the NOW. If I am honest with myself, I have been “waiting to exhale,” waiting to do some significant things in my life that I had been wanting to do because somehow I can’t seem to figure out how to move past this cancer diagnosis into a space where I celebrate life despite how I feel and what I am going through. But I am determined to walk my healing proclamation out by faith and, along the way, take the necessary breaks, rest stops, and medicines to survive, thrive, and live.

I don’t have it all figured out, but GOD KNOWS ALL, so I will TRUST HIM. PERIOD AND AMEN!!